ASOCIACIÓN RED DE ORGANIZACIONES DE MUJERES IXHILES (ASOREMI)
I was 16 when I married my husband. During our time together I suffered physical and psychological violence. After 36 years of violence, ASOREMI is supporting me in my recovery process.
My name is Marta. I am 52 years old and I live in the municipality of Nebaj. When I was 16, I married my husband. From the moment the people in the community found out that I was getting married, they told me not to marry him because he was a violent person. Despite their comments, I got married.
Shortly after we were married the verbal abuse began, but I did not take it seriously. Then he started to get jealous of one of his brothers, which aggravated the arguments. I continued to live with him because I hoped that one day he would change, but that never happened. I lived with him for 36 years. During that time, we had 15 children, 13 of whom are alive and two of whom have died. Of the 13 children who are alive, six are boys and seven are girls.
“That day when they took him
out of the house, I felt a great calm,
as if a great weight
had been lifted off my shoulders.”
Over time the abuse intensified. Almost every night he would come home drunk and physically and verbally abuse me, telling me that I was worthless, ugly and many other things that made me feel insignificant. He said that I was having affairs with other men, but that was not true. Over time, I discovered that he was the one who was having affairs with other women. He didn’t give me any money for household expenses, so I did some knitting to feed my children.
The abuse also extended to my children, especially my daughters. They were verbally and physically abused. During the attacks he would ask me if I was seeing other men. I kept quiet about these incidents for a long time for fear of further abuse. Once I confronted my husband about the beatings he inflicted on my daughters, but all I got was even worse beatings. That’s why I only saw what my daughters were suffering. I didn’t dare leave him because I didn’t think I would be able to support my children on my own, since I was living in his house and had nowhere else to go.
During this time of abuse, I often wanted to take my own life, but my children stopped me. I continued to endure the abuse until one day I told one of my sisters that I wanted to leave the house because I could no longer bear the life my husband was giving me. She replied that it was he who had to leave the house, not me. She told me that I had to report him and seek support. She encouraged me and took me to the Women’s Advocacy Centre. They gave me guidance and instructions on the process I needed to follow. That same day, security measures were requested and my husband was removed from the house.
I remember that day when they took him out of the house. I felt a great sense of calm, as if a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I thought that at that moment everything was over, but when my children found out that their father had been taken out of the house at my request, they were angry with me and supported their father. This affected me greatly because I felt guilty for what was happening, but I received guidance from the Women’s Advocacy Centre and understood that none of what was happening was my responsibility. Over time, my children also understood that their father was the only one to blame. He was responsible for the bad things that were happening in the family. They started talking to me again and I received their support.
“Today I am sharing my story
to encourage other women
to be brave and report abuse.”
During the reporting process I received a lot of support from the Women’s Advocacy Centre/Ixiles Women’s Network. This support was financial, “payment for transportation, food, medical care and they also gave me a stove to cook food for my children”. They gave me legal advice, support throughout the different processes, psychological support and workshops that have strengthened me, improved my self-esteem and brought about improvements in my life.
I currently feel better and I feel free to carry out my activities. I can run errands without fear of being controlled.
The violence I experienced left scars on me. I have constant headaches, fatigue and a lack of desire to knit, which is what I do for a living. However, I make an effort to move forward for myself and my younger children, because the child support I receive is not enough to cover household expenses.
I make an effort to educate my young children because I want to see them succeed academically, an opportunity that my older children did not have because of the violence we suffered.
My younger children tell me that they feel better, even though we are not financially well off. The most important thing is that they are no longer experiencing violence from their father. After I separated from my husband, my family reached out to me because my ex-husband had distanced us from them. He wouldn’t let me communicate with my siblings and parents, saying that they were giving me bad advice and telling me not to fulfil my responsibilities at home, which wasn’t true. It was because he didn’t want them to find out about the abuse I was suffering at his hands.
Today, I am sharing my story to encourage other women to be brave and report abuse, to tell them that acts of violence should not be tolerated. There are things we don’t think we can do, but it’s only when we face the situation of violence that we realise we can overcome these obstacles and move forward.
I know there are many women suffering violence. I know some of them and I have told them to report it, even though I am afraid that their partners will take reprisals against me and against them. Then I remember what I went through, so I decide to support them so that they too can change their lives.